Marriages are a challenge. They come with more issues than you can imagine. You have been through it once and now you going through it again.
At this point you might think: I did it once, I can do it again. The truth is double the marriages, twice the trouble.
If you are thinking that you are facing newlywed problems, think again. Second marriages fail because there are issues coming up that the couple is not aware of.
Here I present to you some problems which second marriages face and how to solve them.
- Not Putting The Past To Rest
- Not Having Learned Anything From The First Marriage
- Children From the 1st Marriage
- Not Being Committed Enough
- Fear Of Vulnerability
- Competition Between Step-Siblings
- Stressful Holidays
Not Putting The Past To Rest
Marriage is a giant commitment. It’s for life (or so you thought). Your first marriage is over and you think that everything is okay. You move on; meet new people; fall in love all over again and you want to marry that person.
When you do it, you need to be sure that it is the right step to take because of one little thing people tend to forget: Have you ever heard of rebound relationships?
Rebound relationships happen when people enter a relationship with someone to forget their ex. It might sound like teenage drama, but it can happen at all ages.
Make Sure You Are Over Your Last Marriage
Losing a partner, either by death or divorce, will hurt you deeply. Make sure you grieve that loss and part of it are to allow yourself to forgive: forgive your ex-spouse, yourself and everyone involved. It doesn’t mean that you agree with everything that was done. It means that you are at peace with everything that happened.
Not Having Learned Anything From The First Marriage
With every experience, there is a lesson to be learned. In your first marriage, you faced challenges until it came to a point where the problems became unsolvable. At that stage, your marriage ended. This being your second one, you don’t want to repeat those mistakes again.
Evaluate Your Last Marriage: Why it Didn’t Work?
Find out the reason and analyze what part you had on it as well as your ex-spouse. Be honest with yourself. Every story has two sides and you are one of them.
Because no one is perfect, you might have a trait or two that makes it impossible for others to live with. Think about what you can change about yourself, what you can’t change and what things you can live. Stay away from people that display traits similar to your ex since it is something you definitely can’t live with.
Knowing yourself and learning your lessons is a nice way to get a head start in your new marriage.
Children From the 1st Marriage
Regarding children in a second marriage, there can be several variations: you have children, but your spouse doesn’t; your spouse has children from the previous marriage, but you don’t; both of you have children.
It can raise several issues of throwout time. Some studies suggest that it takes up to 5 years for the family to adapt to each other. So, bear in mind that you won’t feel like a family right away.
Children might have a hard time to accept their new step-parent. Plus, everyone needs to adjust to a new schedule. There are holidays, visitations, and the involvement of the other parent to consider.
Usually, the source of conflict lays in parenting styles. You and your partner need to discuss every detail regarding children so you can be on the same page. Mind that one of you is not the parent of the children, it is extremely important that you have a clear picture of what to do. Being on the same page regarding education is extremely important, especially when the biological parents aren’t present.
If you have children from a past relationship and if you got divorced, your ex will be inevitably involved with you. You have to coordinate holidays, birthdays, vacations, visitation times and everything else regarding the children.
Most of the time, divorced people manage to be civilized with each other or even become friends at times. In other cases, this doesn’t happen.
If you are not at peace with the end of your first marriage, codependent tendencies may arise (again). If power and control were present in the last marriage, it can continue in the present one. It makes people over-involved with their ex-spouses who are manipulative. People with substance abusive ex-partners can spend a lot of time talking to them trying to help.
All of this will cause problems with your current spouse. If you can’t seem to be able to let go of your ex, consider seeking professional help.
Money can be a real pickle no matter if you are single, in a relationship or married. Some have too much less of it, others have too much.
In your divorce, you had gains and losses so it’s ultra-important, to be honest about your finances. Talk with your spouse about every issue you have and how you are going to deal with it as a couple. Always be open and transparent since money can cause friction on its own and even more if you lie to your partner.
Also Read: 26 Simple Marriage Advice for Women
Not Being Committed Enough
When you got married for the first time, you had the idea it would be forever. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen. Then you found another person whom you love deeply.
The cloud of your last divorce will never dissipate from your mind. It was something hard to go through, indeed, but you made out of it fine. Although your divorce is already finalized, it is still in the back of your mind.
This cloud of thoughts can make you not committed enough to your present marriage. You give enough of you to make it work fine and that’s it.
Of course, you might not be thinking about divorce because, at this point, you are happily married and that is all that matters. But you are more open to having a second one since you had that experience before, and you realized that marriages might not be forever. It becomes a choice for you when things get tough and nothing goes as planned.
Fear Of Vulnerability
Going through a break up (which is what happens when you get a divorce or if a partner passes away) is never easy. You go through a series of stages so you can put the past behind. Whatever happened, you got hurt deeply. Nevertheless, you entered a new relationship.
You are now fearful that the same thing will happen again. You might love your partner even more than you loved your last one, but you are afraid of getting hurt again. To cope with that, you decide subconsciously it is best if you don’t give too much of yourself to this relationship.
It causes a dilemma that begins with “What if?” – What if I get hurt again? What if I don’t?
It’s not your partner’s fault and it can put your marriage at risk because there is no emotional intimacy on a deep level. Trust your partner and get over your fears. Give your new marriage a chance. If needed, seek professional help.
Also, Read Marriage Advice: Learn Before Leaping
Competition Between Step-Siblings
Siblings will always have disagreements and fights. Step-siblings are no different. Of course, you can’t make anyone like another person. In this case, it’s your job to figure out what kind of disagreements and fights the step-siblings have. It is normal for them to have some competition for attention, privileges and material things. In case of disagreements, rules are needed in the house so things can go as smoothly as possible.
Remember you are dealing with your children and your spouse’s children. There must be no double standards, no favorites and the rules must be applied to every child equally.
It’s never too late. Read This: How to fix a broken marriage?
Holidays are the biggest headache in a second marriage, especially if there are kids involved.
Children want to be with their parents and family which can cause a lot of stress. To add another layer of that, you usually have your traditions as well as your partner. Everyone wants to do different things in the holidays and usually, nothing goes well when everything is put together.
Take a step back, and instead of putting your foot down, understand the world doesn’t revolve around you. Talk to your partner and take this opportunity to create new traditions as a family. The first time can be hard for everyone to adjust, but after some time, things will go smoothly and everyone will be looking for the new tradition.